 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| ***Now you can do your Google searches right from ProudConservative.com*** |
| JOKES PAGE 2 |
| Conservative baby |
| Copyright © 2006 - 2008 ProudConservative.com™ All rights reserved |
You Might Be A Democrat If...
* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its
preferred tree.
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
* You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
* You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
* You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
* You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
* You actually expect to collect Social Security.
* You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
* You think the Great Society has actually worked.
* You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
* Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
* You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
* Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
* You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
* You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
* You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
* You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
* You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
* You are friends with at least one Vegan.
* You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
* You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
* You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
* You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
* You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
* You admire the Swedish welfare system.
* You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
* You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
* You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous
looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your
hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever
done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about
the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he
just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a
conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Southern Conservative Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out
how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but swerved in time to avoid them.
"A**HOLES!" I yelled.
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax...
I LOVE this car!
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white
from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start
working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of
brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did, and replied, "That tasted like bull sh**!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the U.S. Government can track a cow born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians.... It creates a hostile work environment
Heidi Fleiss, O.J. Simpson, John Wayne Bobbit and Ted Kennedy play a round of golf together. Who wins the
round?
None of them: Heidi hooks, O.J. slices, John has no putter and Ted can't drive over water.
The Marine and the Insurgent
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine
what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman."
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'"
"So there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
A Republican and Democrat are walking down the street and come across a homeless man with a sign that says
"Please Help".
The Republican pulls fifty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless man. He also gives the man his
business card and says "Get something to eat and get yourself cleaned up. Then come and see me and I'll give you
a job."
The Democrat sees this and thought that was nice. The Democrat wanted to do something for this man also....after
all being a Democrat means he likes to help people.
So the Democrat reaches into the Republican's pocket, pulls out another fifty dollars and gives it to the homeless
man!
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President
thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "Thank-you" note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes!"
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent
(terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently
being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal
care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for
you to hire some assistant caretakers! .
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character
flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you
plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nailclippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a
subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more
appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of
"respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do
our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its
preferred tree.
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
* You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
* You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
* You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
* You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
* You actually expect to collect Social Security.
* You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
* You think the Great Society has actually worked.
* You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
* Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
* You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
* Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
* You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
* You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
* You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
* You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
* You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
* You are friends with at least one Vegan.
* You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
* You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
* You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
* You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
* You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
* You admire the Swedish welfare system.
* You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
* You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
* You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous
looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your
hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever
done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about
the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he
just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a
conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Southern Conservative Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out
how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but swerved in time to avoid them.
"A**HOLES!" I yelled.
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax...
I LOVE this car!
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white
from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start
working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of
brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did, and replied, "That tasted like bull sh**!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the U.S. Government can track a cow born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians.... It creates a hostile work environment
Heidi Fleiss, O.J. Simpson, John Wayne Bobbit and Ted Kennedy play a round of golf together. Who wins the
round?
None of them: Heidi hooks, O.J. slices, John has no putter and Ted can't drive over water.
The Marine and the Insurgent
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine
what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman."
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'"
"So there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
A Republican and Democrat are walking down the street and come across a homeless man with a sign that says
"Please Help".
The Republican pulls fifty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless man. He also gives the man his
business card and says "Get something to eat and get yourself cleaned up. Then come and see me and I'll give you
a job."
The Democrat sees this and thought that was nice. The Democrat wanted to do something for this man also....after
all being a Democrat means he likes to help people.
So the Democrat reaches into the Republican's pocket, pulls out another fifty dollars and gives it to the homeless
man!
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President
thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "Thank-you" note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes!"
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent
(terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently
being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal
care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for
you to hire some assistant caretakers! .
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character
flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you
plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nailclippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a
subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more
appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of
"respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do
our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
TM
| A WEBSITE BY A PROUD CONSERVATIVE FOR PROUD CONSERVATIVES |
| ALL OF THE ABOVE PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE ON THE STORE PAGE...CLICK THE LINK ON THE LEFT |